Going Commando
by Segdeh
Summary: When Kain and Ariel go to Tahiti,Celes corrupts his 6 kids into wanting to take over the US. This results in a high-speed chase in a stolen plane.


Going Commando 

Okay-Disclaimer.I don't own Kain or anybody in this story. So full credit to the creators of Kain and everybody. Here we go!!

(Kain, Ariel,Celes, and all six of his kids are in the throne room.

Kain is pacing back and forth in front of Raziel and his brethren.)

Kain:Now, I'm going to ask this again, very slowly.Where's …..

my………soul….rea-ver?

Celes(starts laughing):You guys are so busted!!!

Kain:Shut up!

Celes:(turns red & salutes)Yes,sir.

Kain:Raziel?….

Raziel:Uh………in the Abyss?

Kain:(sighs) And why……is it in………the ABYSS?

Dumah:Cuz Zephon lost our bat.

Rahab:How are we supposed to recreate the 1998 World Series without a bat,Kain?

Melchia:It's all HIS fault!(he points at Turel)

Turel:What the hell, man? Come on, it was an honest mistake! Ya gotta believe me, Big K!

Zephon: Oh, like an honest mistake is taking the Soul Reaver to play baseball, breaking it in half, and throwing it into the Abyss? And Dad isn't a store, you Dumbass.

Kain:(shakes his head) I've had enough! That's the fifth reaver this week! I'm going to Tahiti.To get one big damn daquiri.Honey, let's go. Celes, I leave you in charge!(He and Ariel poof out.)

All 6:WHAT? NO WAY!

Celes:Now we can execute our plans for world domination!!

Turel:What?!

Celes:World domination-the American dream.

Rahab:(chewing on the remains of a cheese grater) But we're not in America.

Melchia:What's America?

Raziel:Beats me.

Dumah:Yeah,Rahab-What's America?

Zephon: You four can not be serious.

All 4:What?!

Zephon:(sighs) America is a country, ore commonly known as the United States of America.

Dumah: Is that where porn comes from?

Zephon: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Raziel: I think so.

Turel: Well, let's go then!

Celes:(to herself) Yes! My army of vampires will take over America, one of the major world powers.

Melchia:Celes,come on! America, baby!!

Raziel,Turel,Rahab: Viva Las Vegas!!!!!

Celes:(eyes widen) Holy crap, what have I done?

(Twenty minutes later, in New York city…….)

Raziel: The lights-they burn!

Turel:(hisses)

Dumah: So many colors……

Rahab: Are we high?

Zephon: Are we in Vegas yet?

Melchia: Where's the adult video shop?

Celes:(shakes her head) Maybe this was a bad idea.

All 6: NO!

Celes: Well, first , to fit in, we need some new clothes.

(Minutes later, after spending a big hunk of Kain's money…)

Raziel: Now what?

(A homeless dude walks up to them.)

Dude: Wanna buy some Mary Jane?

Dumah: Hell yeah!

Celes: Hell no! (she slaps Dumah's hand)

Dumah: OW! Hey, you can't do that!

Raziel: Uh, Dumah, she kinda can. Kain left her in charge. Plus, you're too young.

Dude: C'mon, uglyass vampires. Ya want it or not?

Turel: Man, I knew new clothes wouldn't help.

Rahab:No that's okay,Dude.

Dude: Whatever.(he goes away)

Raziel: So, this is New York, huh?

Celes: Very good . Now, let us hijack a plane to Vegas. Vampires, attack !!!

(They run, with shouts of battle, to the nearest airport, through security, and past the lines of people. Raziel and Zephon jump into the cockpit and take off.)

Rahab: Look! Army green helicopters are chasing us!

Turel: Freakin' sweet, man! We get escorted.

Celes: Uh, Raziel? Armed forces are on our tail.

Raziel: Roger that, Babe!

Celes:(blushes)

(Raziel turns the plane to fly upside down, and then he ascends above the clouds where the helicopters can't follow.)

Zephon: Rock on, bro!(he and Raziel high five)

( Moments later, Air Force jets come screeching past the giant Continental Airlines plane.)

Raziel: Spoke too soon.

Turel:(from a distance) Dad and Mom would SO freak right now.!

Melchia:(holding his hands up as if in a roller coaster)WHOOOOOOOOOO

OOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Go, baby go!!

Raziel: Ladies and vampires, this is your captain speaking. Sit down, shut up, and hold the hell on!

Zephon: Let's put this baby into overdrive.

(Raziel and Zephon accelerate the plane to 650 mph, out-running the Air Force. They descend.)

Celes: Keep going guys, we're losing them!

Rahab: I'm hungry.

Celes: Do I look like a damn flight attendant to you? We are in the middle

of a high-speed aero-hijacking job and you have the munchies?!

Turel: I'll see if I can find the snacks.

Celes:(sighs) Boys.

(Meanwhile ,in Tahiti, Kain and Ariel are watching tv while lying in a hammock.)

Reporter: And this just in on news in the United States. A stolen airplane has been reported to officials in Washington D.C. The plane was hijacked earlier this morning at an airport in New York City. It has been reported that the plane is headed for the town of Las Vegas, Nevada. One military aircraft got close enough to snap a picture of the pilot-(they flash a picture of Raziel). If know this man,or,uh, thing, get your butt to America now.

(Ariel clicks off the tv.)

Kain: Huh, that kinda looked like Raziel.(he pauses on this thought)RAZIEL!!!!!!

Ariel:That was Zephon in the seat next to him!

Kain: The morons! The freaking damn morons! They are sooo grounded!!

(Dumah's cell phone rings)

Dumah:Yo, the partay residence!

Kain: What party?

Dumah: HOLY FREAKING BEACH BALLS, it's Kain!!!!!!!

Celes: ( in a loud voice) Oh damn.

Kain: What was that?

Dumah: Nothing. So, how's Tahiti?

Kain: Relaxing. How's 40,000 feet in the air running from the United States Air Force on a stolen commercial airliner?

Dumah: Pretty awe-I don't have a clue what you're talking about.

Kain: Sure.Let me talk to the RazMan.

Dumah: Ah……he's indisposed right now. Can I take a message?

Kain: Boy, do not play games with me!

(Celes grabs the phone.)

Celes: Kain? It's Celes.

Kain: You're in more trouble than the six morons combined!!! Why are you in a plane? What is going on? Why are you not in the underworld? There are evil spirits that must be ruled!

Celes: Relax, Bossman. I left Billy Bob in charge.

Kain: Leiutenant?

Celes: Yes?

Kain: Billy Bob is my DOG!!! Now give this damn phone to the baka yaro flying this thing NOW!!!!!!!

Celes: Uh………Raziel?………Oh, RazMan!………….

( Celes runs to the cockpit and throws the phone to Raziel.)

Raziel: Zephon, take over.(puts the phone to his ear) Hello?

Kain: Are you drunk?

Raziel: Oh crap. Um, no?….

Kain:Are you by any chance high?

Raziel: Don't think so. Are you?

Kain: It's not about me, son. What in the name of my underworld are you doing?

Raziel: Well, it all started when Celes said that she wanted world domination. "The American Dream", she says. So we go to New York. She and I kept Dumah from buying weed from a homeless dude. Then Turel, Rahab, and I wanted to go to Vegas. So Celes led us to hijack a plane, and here we are.

Kain: Tell Celes she's on probation. And get out of there.(he hangs up)

Zephon: Las Vegas, dead ahead !

Raziel: Let's land and get the heck out of here.

(They land on the outskirts, with every division of the United States Armed Forces still on their tail. As soon as the SWAT team opens the door, all 7 of them poof out and back into the underworld.

Celes: That…..was….so….AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!

Rahab: It was.(takes out cheese grater and chews)

Dumah: I wanna do it again!

Melchia: Wish it was legal.

Zephon: Those tricks and stuff were so cool!

Turel: Yeah, we should be on "Extreme Stunts on Stolen Planes-The TV Show"!

Raziel: I was pretty cool, huh?

Celes: Dude, you rock!

Raziel: (gets all googly-eyed) Really? You mean it?

(Before she can answer, Kain and Ariel return.)

all: Hi Kain!

Kain: Don't start that "How was your trip" crap with me!! You know I'm very disappionted in all of you. Especially you, Celes; what were you thinking? We don't need that world!!!

Celes: But that world has cute guys……….

Kain: (sighs)

Ariel: (shrugs shoulders) I thought the plane chase was cool.

Turel: Really, Mom?

Kain: You're not helping, Honey. As for punishment for you kids- no tv,no phone, no internet, no games, no friends, no school, no drugs, no food, no magazines, no porn magazines, no mall, no NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dumah: No drugs?! I can't take it!( starts twitching) Having….withdrawel symptoms…..gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! (faints)

Melchia&Rahab: No porn? Damn.

Raziel: FREAKING SWEET MAN!!! NO SCHOOL! WHOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! DAD, YOU ROCK!!!!!!!!!

(Raziel runs off, screaming and yelping excited shouts. Because he's not looking where he's going, he falls off the cliff into the Abyss.)

all 5 brothers: OOOH, that's gotta hurt!

(They hear Raziel's voice from a distance.)

Raziel: I found the Soul Reaver! Happy, Dad?

Kain: (sighs)

( When Kain wasn't looking, Turel slipped weed under Dumah's nose, and he awakes on the Happy Train Express.)

Dumah: I'm going commando! ( he rips off his boxers from inside his pants.) Look, Dad! No Hanes!( does a jackknife into the Abyss.)

Celes:……..Um, I gotta go!( she dashes out of the palace)

Ariel: Who wants meatloaf for dinner?

All: ( faint)

THE END


End file.
